Thursday, February 24, 2011

That's All There Is?!... Really?... I mean, really?!... Huh

Blackheart:

There is one thing all supposed "travel clothes" have in common.  They're ugly as sin.  Actually, a better word for them is matronly.  They're very, very matronly.  Perhaps all you "who says you can't wear Chanel on your African safari?" type people should know what I mean by "travel clothes."  A list of qualifiers:
  1. Does not wrinkle easily.
  2. Dries quickly (as in overnight) and can get clean with a good ole hand wash... or survive a brutal machine wash by Olga the innkeeper. 
  3. Lightweight.  When you're carrying everything on your back, each ounce counts.
  4. Is neither too hot (no wool, please) nor too skimpy (no cultural faux pas.)
  5. Things like SPF and Coolmax fabric are a plus but not a deal breaker.
  6. The last illusive element: makes me look good and not like I've been hiking 18 miles through sheep shit all day.
For almost a year I have scoured the Internet and boutiques from Sacramento to Seattle to Atlanta to LA to New Mexico (yes, that many cities) searching for the perfect 'night time dress' and 'daytime dress' and hiking shorts that don't make me look like a middle-aged softball coach and bras that will dry quickly (aka don't have padding - do these exist anymore?) and have come up nearly empty-handed.  I literally found myself typing "hip travel clothes" into Google and came up with a world of ExOfficio/TravelSmith/L.L.Bean nightmares.  Not even Patagonia or The North Face make a dress that hits above the knee.  Are people no longer getting laid on holidays?  Or are we all just vacationing in luxury without the need for clothes that can cram into a backpack?  If the answer is 'yes' to either of these questions, things have got to change.

The only saving grace in this textile misadventure (and I swear I'm not just trying to plug my dad's store) is REI.  I have managed to find a pair of suitable hiking pants and a hiking top that will still make me attractive to the opposite sex should I meet the hot New Zealander on the trail that my friend Em tells me I will.  The rest of my mismatched outfits come from here, there and everywhere - Target, MANGO, Moving Comfort, Lululemon.  Nothing is fabulous.  Nothing screams "Blackheart."  Nothing would be found on the pages of Vogue or even Nylon Magazine.  I would share pictures with you, but since I'll be wearing the same exact four outfits for the next three months, which you will see in every single picture on this blog, I'll spare you for now.

What I will share is my desire when I return to start a line of hip, sexy, young adult worthy travel clothes.  Clothes for the college kid backpacking across Europe to the group of 30-something ladies escaping for a booze and yoga-fueled week in Bali.  The first design?  One simple, easily washable, perfectly fitted in all the right places, wrinkle-resistant, quick drying, above-the-knee length, dressed up and dressed down, men will eat out of the palm of your cultured and worldly hand, little black dress.  A dress that can be worn for drinks in a pub in Ireland to a beach bonfire in Thailand to a picnic in southern France to a nightclub in Ibiza.  A dress that will never have you uttering the phrase, "it will just have to do," like that guy you dated when you were in a slump.  No.  This will be an LBD you wear proudly in photographs.  A dress made for adventure.  A totally non matronly dress made just for you.  Only wish I had one now...

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